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Where To Start?

I don't even know where to start.  It has been a very long few months that is for sure.  From moving interstate, to being a victim of DV, to pretty much being homeless and almost having a nervous breakdown in the process. But I feel like I am slowly coming out the other side and hopefully things will start to fall into place. I have also had some really amazing moments in the past few months too and I am trying to see the positives as hard as it is some days.

So I decided to move interstate after a loved one completed his suicide almost a year ago and I was struggling staying in the town with so many reminders. I have been here for over 4 months now and I know that things have been really hard, but the weather has been amazing for my MH already.  I have also been able to be linked in with some amazing services and am slowly starting to get the help I need to get sorted. 

My mental health has been pretty bad for almost a year now and that is since the death of my loved one. It has been a major struggle to cope with the loss and to try and move on with so many unanswered questions. I have had a few relationship breakdowns and I am unsure still whether that is due to my MH or they are just a shit person and I have called them out on it. I guess I am also figuring out who genuinely wants to know me now that I have moved and who I haven't heard a peep out of. Being borderline can suck in so many ways especially because we feel things so intensely that sometimes it feels as though it is going to rip us in half, I think would be one way of describing it. I don't handle rejection well and even if someone comes off rude in a text message, I read so much more in to it. It is tiring feeling all these emotions all day, every day and the only time that my brain literally stops overthinking and overanalysing every little thing is when I go to sleep.  And since my hysterectomy I am only averaging 6-8 hours sleep a night.  I have always been a nightowl, so there are so many nights when I finally decide to take my meds that it is already 1 or 2 in the morning.  Which means that I still have another hour to an hour and a half before the meds actually kick in and I can go to sleep without tossing and turning and thinking about every little thing.  Some things can be so irrational, but to me they are absolutely huge. 

As I mentioned just before I have moved and I am not quite homeless, but pretty much am at the same time. I have been staying with a friend until I can find a place.  Which I truly hope is very soon! I don't think I can do this much longer. I love my friend dearly, but I need my own space and all my own stuff and to not have to worry about cooking dinner for someone else when I don't feel like cooking and only want to have toast for dinner. I have been a single Mum for so long that I don't want to have to look after anyone else but myself. As selfish as that sounds, it is how I feel. I'm tired and even looking after myself some days feels hard enough. 

I've also had some other medical issues arise and the pain that I am in can be agonising some days.  I haven't felt pain like this in a long time. Even after my hysterectomy, I didn't feel anywhere near the level of pain that I am feeling on my bad days, as I like to call them. On my good days, I am able to accomplish a few things like tidy my room (doing the bed linen is a major struggle, and add that I am a short arse, so it is double hard!) and maybe take my dog for a walk, but I can't do anything too strenuous as it just hurts too much afterwards and instantly when I do something. Like lift an 8kg bag of dry dog food. 

So many things have happened that I think I will post them as individual blogs. It has been a hell of a ride the past 12 months that is for sure!

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