How easy is it for you to say no?
For myself, I struggle to say to nearly every single person that I come across in my life. I guess you would call me a people pleaser, who also says what she thinks. I think that the BPD may play a bit of a part in that though.
Ever since I was a little girl I was taught that I should try and help others when I possibly can, even if it means giving the person my last dollar. I can say that doing this has f**ked me up financially more times than I can count! And I truly have tried extremely hard to help every single person that has asked me for help. But lately I am starting to feel like I am just a sucker when it comes to particular people and helping them. It seems like the friendships are very one sided and I seem to be the one always doing the work.
I do know that I have to learn to start saying no, and I am slowly doing it. I am noticing that I am not hearing from particular people, because I am saying no and not jumping to their every request. Especially again if it is financial. Actually it is more just with one particular friend that I seem to experience that with. I have found that I am no longer in a financial position to help her, I barely hear from her. Where when she needed money and I was saying yes, I was hearing from her on an almost daily basis.
I also feel that I should never say no to my family because they have helped me so much in my life. Especially my Mum and Dad. They have continued to look after me even into my adulthood. I am extremely blessed that they have done this. So am I going to start saying no to my parents, then probably not. I also struggle to say no to my daughter as I was a single Mum for most of her life, so most of the time I didn't say no. I tried extremely hard to give my daughter a good life even on a single parent income. I also struggle to say no to my niece, but she really doesn't ask for much very often at all, so when she does this Aunty can't help but say yes. And because I don't get to see her as often as we would both like, I find that I try and spoil her when I am with her.
In my living situation I am finding that I am also struggling to say no and am finding that it is affecting my mental health as I am angry and resentful for all that I am doing and there being minimal to no gratitude. I am however starting to learn that I need to say no to all of these things, because it is actually causing me physical pain having to do a lot of it. So I am learning to say no to a few more things and am informing my housemate that I am in too much pain to be doing all that I do.
In the past I have also struggled to say no in my employment as I have been fearful of losing my job or upsetting my bosses. I should have said no a lot more, because I can tell you that I am most definitely burned out. I do know that in the future that I will be saying no and will not feel guilty for putting my health first. I have put my health on the back burner many times because I haven't felt like I could even ask for time off, so imagine how hard it is for me to say no to a boss!! If I am unable to work a shift because I am not mentally well, then I am going to definitely start saying no to the shifts, instead of continually thinking I need to earn more money. I believe my mental health is more important than needing to earn money. Some may disagree with that, but that is how I currently feel. And well it's my blog. Ha-Ha!
So I decided to read a few articles about saying no and one I thought was quite insightful said that saying no to particular things that are going to make me feel uncomfortable. It states that I should start saying no to things that may inconvenience me (as most times it does seem to be that way, but when I ask for help it is a big, fat no) and that I should stop putting so much value on others feelings and actually start putting mine first. I think I am going to try this!
According to this article as well I am saying yes all the time because I am worried that people are going to judge because I have said no. Um, I am a borderline, I am always worried that people are going to judge me! Lol But I am going to try and think more about this and I am also trying to learn that people are going to judge me and I shouldn't care what people think as long as I am true and honest to myself and the ones I love.
I also think that by saying no more often it will actually be beneficial for my mental health and maybe I won't deal with so much anxiety. I think I would have less anxiety over saying no to someone than having to go and help them when it does inconvenience me and then I become resentful, because I always seem to be the one doing the helping. So maybe having some slight anxiety over actually saying no would be so much better than having resentment. I am going to really try and say no a lot more often and not let anyone take advantage of me.
Do you struggle to say no and if you don't struggle with it, what advice can you give me to try and alleviate some of the anxiety I get about just thinking about saying no to people. I'd love to hear your comments.
The Norty Borderline
Comments
Post a Comment